Presence, the Greatest Present
Tell me what you want.
I remember when he blindsided me with that statement. It was, perhaps, the most honest moment in our coupledom.
I swallowed hard. The lump in my throat transported me back to the time he had first said I love you on my birthday. He had gifted me a first-edition Krishnamurti. What is “enlightenment,” anyway? True, there had been some heartfelt moments — some souvenirs worth treasuring.
But our relationship had become a cycle of death and resuscitation book-ended by false promises. Was tell me what you want, then, a last-ditch attempt at salvation?
I couldn’t respond. Maybe it was time for it to die its ultimate death. Maybe I was finally ready to admit that he could never give me what I desired: time.
Time, in his mind, could not triumph over the pleasures of fame, alcohol, and the flesh.
But time is the best gift that we can ever hope to give or receive. Time is fleeting. Every minute that we share with someone we care for is truly precious.
Sometimes, if I listen close, I can hear the sound of my heartbeat. It’s a heart that beats for one but has always longed to beat for two. I swear — it is a heartbeat that only the moon and the shooting stars know the evidence of.
When someone spends the majority of her life alone, it’s not about things — but the presence of someone — that truly matters most.
I want presence — the presence of a lover. I want someone to lay with and touch. I want someone who keeps me safely in his thoughts. I would like to feel cherished, and to cherish in the way that fulfills me — that allows my soul to feel good. My soul has always been old, crying out for something more.
My soul refuses to settle for anything less than what sets it on fire.
Long have I wanted someone to occupy a space in my life — and to willingly choose to take up that space. Why — because my life is somewhere they want to be, not somewhere they feel obligated to be — not because of some carelessly-spoken commitment made in the throes of passion —
but because I enhance their life and they have owned that truth —
because they want to send that message my way, not because they feel like they have to respond to mine.
At any given moment, we could all be in so many places. But to know that someone is consciously choosing you, that they consider you home— no other feeling compares.
I want to be important to someone, regardless of the good, the bad, or the indifferent that life might throw our way. There is great comfort in such a sentiment — in knowing that I have been given the gift of occupying a sacred space in someone else’s world.
It doesn’t matter where you take me. Money spent does not interest me. These things do not matter. Instead, simple, shared things thrill me. Even the “titles” that one assigns to a relationship bear no great significance.
It is the moment — the moments — in their barest simplicity that are the most defining.
The quickening of the pulse when we find ourselves recalling a sensual memory.
The smile that spreads across our lips when we hear our lover’s favorite song on the radio.
The embraces so passionate that, if you close your eyes, you can still feel the imprint of their body on yours.
The quiet relief that comes from hearing their voice on the other end of the line after a trying day — the voice that seems to say:
You did the best you could today
because maybe, you are struggling to be your own cheerleader.
These moments are ours to create. We dare not tell the world about them. We need no approval. Somehow, if others were to become privy to these moments, their value would decrease. These are moments meant for two, and for two alone.
These are the moments that end up meaning the most.
And they all begin with presence. They all begin with showing up for each other in even the smallest of ways.
They all begin with recognition of the fact that life is not meant to be lonely — that we were never meant to go it alone, or to experience more pain than satisfaction.
And if we do experience more pain than satisfaction, we owe it to ourselves to re-evaluate — to try to redirect ourselves towards a better path.
Because while we know that nothing can stay the same forever — we all want to be the person who matters to someone. Perhaps we’ll get lucky, and we’ll even be the one to awaken their lustful spirit — and they, ours.
The moment is now. Once passed, it is irretrievable and becomes another what if? in the book of our life.
Which road, then, do you choose?
I would like it if that road involved me.
